"Young Girls"。

I'll try to keep it straight to the point.

I was in a relationship back in 2013, but not for very long.

I was 19.

I was working at this pretty popular boba place at the time.

I worked with this guy; he was mysterious and quiet, kept to himself.

We met, hung out, got to know each other because my best friend at the time and her boyfriend were good friends with him.

She thought it'd be a great idea if we started going out.

At the time, I couldn't see it, but the more we spent time together, the more he opened up and was comfortable around me.

I appreciated that.

Then one day, he asked me out.

We were officially boyfriend-girlfriend; together.

We went out on a nice date to a high-end sushi place in San Francisco, then decided to meet up with my best friend and her boyfriend at In-N-Out back at our area.

After that, things were going great.

I can tell he liked me more, then he loved me.

You know, it's hard for me to show affection to my significant other early on the relationship, so he endured my 'non-clinginess' for a month.

Anyway...

He then had me staying over at his place a lot.

Then I moved in (reasons why, you can ask me personally).

He was my first.

During our relationship, we had a lot of good moments, and a lot of bad ones...

There was this girl we were friends with.

They only started talking to each other after he and I officially started going out.

They hung out more often after two months of us going out, and I started to see him less.

A bit surprising, right ?

You'd think because I live with him I'd see him more often ?

No...

There were many, countless days I'd sleep alone... and woke up alone.

(And that's when I started playing League of Legends)

I'd play League alone.

He started smoking weed on top of him already smoking cigarettes, which I hated because I have asthma and I was always against smoking of any kind.

He smoked in front of me.

He smoked in our condo...

(Side note: I started smoking after we broke up because I missed the smell of cigarettes...)

Anyway, during our relationship there was this rumor going around that I was a child and crazy within the workplace.

Then one night, he and I were just laying down talking about random things and he decided to show me his conversation with her (I didn't even ask...).

He pointed out all the things they said about me, laughed, and mocked me.

Ugly

Childish

What's wrong with her?

Immature

She's fucking crazy

You're beautiful ***

.

I started crying.

He then went on his computer to play TERA, if I remember correctly.

He created a new female character and made it look like her.

He had me sit on his lap when he was done and said, "This is my ideal woman, looks like ****, right ? Beautiful."

There was another time when I came home from work at night, he wasn't working.

He tells me to sit on his lap and wants me to read something.

It was a post about Scorpio and Taurus compatibility on a very popular dating website (I forgot the name...).

It read that Scorpios (his horoscope sign) and Taurus (my horoscope sign) were not compatible.

He read all the points he thought were important and laughed at me for being stupid when I asked why he was doing this to me.

He continued to tell me that *** and him were extremely compatible, then went on to play League.

I was never into horoscopes back then, I am now, though...

Let's skip forward to a few days before we broke up.

I worked the whole day and he didn't have work so he stayed home.

When I got home it was late because I went to buy one of his favorite foods from this Hong Kong cafe (it was a Macau-style rice plate?) and he was on his computer, talking to his friends on Skype.

They were speaking Cantonese, so I didn't understand.

I said, "hi babe, I got you some food"

In response he says, "shut the fuck up" and laughs... his friends say something in Cantonese, and then him, and they all laugh.

He hangs up, eats the food, and then we get ready for bed without saying a single word to me.

He gets to bed and I just stare at the wall and ceiling.

He's listening to "Young Girls" by Bruno Mars loudly on repeat for over an hour and I try to talk to him.

"______? Can you talk to me, please?"

-silence-

"______?"

He turns around without taking out his headphones and yells at me to "shut the fuck up."

I start crying and turn around the other way.

He turns up the music.

I try to go to sleep, but couldn't, so I continue to stare at the wall next to me.

I wonder what I'm doing wrong, what I said wrong.

I hear him move and stop listening to the song finally.

I turn around to face him, while I was still crying.

Then...

He gets on top of me.

Takes off my clothes.

I tell him no, I cry more.

He continued.

I cried more, I didn't stop saying no over and over...

He still continued, not saying anything to me.

He didn't even look at me...

I was so confused, so out of that moment...

And when he finished, he still didn't say anything to me.

He gets back to bed, puts on his headphones, and continued blasting "Young Girls"...

I broke down, facing the wall, until I passed out.

The next day, I went straight to work because he wasn't to be seen anywhere when I woke up.

He probably went to go see ***.

I had this gut feeling throughout work that he was going to break up with me.

And I was right.

I went home, he packed all my things already, and talked to me calmly, almost relieved that he's breaking up with me.

I didn't break down crying, I accepted it and I understood and walked away. I knew why.

One person who tried to comfort me was ***'s boyfriend.

He knew nothing.

I was raped.

By my own boyfriend.

Someone I thought I could trust.

Someone I thought would never hurt me.

I break down when I hear that song to this day.

I don't know what a lot of you will think of me after reading this.

I've been scared to open up about this, as this was back in 2013.

I haven't told many people, only people I trusted.

I stayed single for at least 3 years after that happened.

I started smoking.

I started swearing.

I started drinking.

I blamed myself for all of it.

I didn't want to get hurt again.

I didn't want to feel like trash or used again.

I'm taking the time to tell you all this because I think it's time that I opened up a bit about what's hurt me and what's made me who I am today.

I'm still struggling, but I'm trying every day to stay strong, and honestly, talking or typing this entire thing always makes me cry so much; I'm trying to be strong when speaking up about it.

Surprisingly, I am civil with ______.

The ones who know about my assault continue to wonder why I decided to make amends, and sometimes I question that myself, but I want to live my life without resentment and hate.

It took an insane amount of time, effort and energy to even write this out...

I've been anxious.

I was hesitant because I was scared of being judged or see me as disgusting.

I was scared and uneasy because I thought people would wonder why I let that happen to me.

I was embarrassed and ashamed that this even happened to me...

So please be patient with me.

If you have any comments, questions, concerns regarding my story, please feel free to message me on any platform I have you on.

Please feel more than welcome in sharing your story with me.

Any story you feel comfortable talking about yourself; I want to be there for you, I want to listen to you.

I'm not here to call for attention.

I'm not here to fake a story.

I'm not here to receive pity, nor do I even want any.

In fact, if you think that badly of me and my story, I suggest you leave my website as this is my safe space for self-expression.

If you can't respect that, I don't need you around nor would I want you around me.

I will honestly wish the best for you.

Everyone, I hope you're safe and taking good care of yourselves.

Please be kind to yourself and others around you.

We need more love and understanding in this very unsure world.

Thank you for reading this.

Alyssa